Help or hinder?

The world is full of people who either want to help or who want to call the police on me. I encounter them daily. I blame my hands off type parenting!

The day started off in its usual way. Girls up way too early, I crawl into their room to catch an extra 30mins.

It looks like we might actually make the bell today (for the second time this year). Feeling relatively calm even tho they didn't eat breakfast and the house looks like its been turned upside down, shaken then bombed. We try to open the car only to find it locked. No problem will just get my bag with my purse which I now diligently keep hanging up by the door now. Yes! I have finally trained myself not to leave it all in the car since the car got burgled. It's a pain in the neck but much sensibler. Obviously.

Bag not there. Ok. Still calm, these Pot pills are bloody fantastic. Quick look in house. Back to car. Maybe it's locked inside. Hubby took car to shops last night. Maybe he locked it with my bag inside (completely forgetting they stole the other key so not possible). Brainwave, spare key upstairs. Now this is where it gets complicated. Stupid annoying idiotic French computerised mind of its own keyless car uses a card to start that you can even keep in your pocket. Spare key part only opens door. Open door. Stupid annoying idiotic French computerised mind of its own keyless car doesn't like that I've done this and the alarm goes off. And won't stop. Bag not in car. Alarm finally stops but every time the door is opened alarm goes off again. I'm starting to attract attention. I can feel it. Come inside to get Millie's snowsuit on, still optimistic that bag will magically appear. It's bright orange. Hardly missable. Instruct Ellie to call hubby over and over in case he feels phone whilst cycling. Nope. Maia goes and double checks the car which sets alarm off again.

I'm now sitting on the stairs with an upset Millie who hates getting dressed and I'm thinking any minute now a neighbour is going to come storming over. Whilst I'm playing out the scenario in my head (which doesn't end well), the neighbour who gave us back our dogs poo (in a bag) and called the dog police on us, pops her head round the door. I'm nearing the end of my coping when she asks if everything is ok. She's here to help! Relief. But OMG the state of the house.

She tries to hold Millie whilst I look for the bag. Millie's having none of it and freaks out. She tries to engage the girls in a game of hunt the bag. Ellie tries the car again. Alarm goes off again. I start crying. We give up. Everyone is staying home today.

An hour later my cousin comes over to help and she takes Ellie to school then comes back to help me tidy up a bit. Amazeballs cuz engages Maia in felting with sharp scary needle and I fall asleep with Millie till its time to pick up Ellie.

Oh. Hubby finally texts back "Oops, bag in my green coat pocket". I resist the urge to text back FU only because its his birthday.

Since the dog didn't get a walk in the morning we go to the local park ad whilst the girls are in the play part I wander round the outside throwing the ball for him. Ellie comes to ask where Maia is and she comes running up behind us, next thing I see is a woman purposefully walking towards me to inform me that Maia had been waaay over there lost. I said she wasn't lost she just came back. She says she was waaay over there saying she didn't know where I was and she had decided to bring her back to the play park. She told me that other people had gathered and were getting the park ranger and they were probably calling the police and I was clearly not even aware or concerned that she was lost and that they will probably call social services on me. I said 'oh thanks for that'. She was very annoyed that I wasn't more flustered and walked off to get the Ranger.

I talked to Maia and explained that she can't walk off like that. She said she was looking for the yew berries. In fairness to the situation and had I actually been looking for her, I would have been able to see her, she wasn't *that* far away. Maia knows this park very well. I also trust her. Anyway I consider leaving but notice the woman come back with the ranger and steel myself for more accusations of neglect. I get the 'the park is full of weird men and I need to be more careful' lecture. Say yes of course, thank you and leave it at that only to turn round to hear Ellie shrieking her usual banshee shriek stuck at the top of a play piece with a crowd of mothers gathering under her scanning the place for her clearly neglectful non helicopter mother. I think it's time to leave.

The car won't open with the key card. Flip off the door cover and open car with key. Stupid annoying idiotic French computerised mind of its own keyless car doesn't like that. Alarm goes off. It's definitely time to leave now. Not before another woman comes over to see if everything is ok. I know how to fix this problem but am again grateful and relieved at the kindness.

Return home and pop over to the neighbour from this morning to say thank you, let her know where my bag was and check she wasn't going to call social services on me for the chaos this morning and state of the house. She isn't. Bonus!

Meltdowns - up high at playpark

Losing Plot - amazingly not

Breastfeeding - as ever

Sunday's stress free?

Children decided again that 6am was a good time to get up.......this is a totally new and seriously crappito development.  I crawled into their room and closed the door till 10am.  Thank you hubby. Wake to the rising upset of two hungry, not had breakfast yet, children dismantling the bookcase in the study???

In a deviation from the norm, I decide to do some errands and shopping at the Avenue (local shopping centre) without any children!!! I'm not that keen on shopping really but it was pretty great to be completely unhindered and unharangued for three hours!! Didn't use time to do a food shop which we sort of need, instead took back some boots and finally spent my birthday book token (from November!!).  Bought the new Stephen Biddulph book, Raising Girls.

In an uncharacteristic display of organisedness, stopped at local pool on way home to pay for Spring break swimming lessons.  The girls have been asking to go again ever since their lessons last year. Grandma paid half...thank you Grandma!

Once home, I let hubby off the hook whilst he goes for a much needed sloph and the girls CHOOSE to turn off the cartoons and go play outside with the neighbourhood kids! Millie hickeyknoukies (basically whines and gripes) on me for the rest of the afternoon whilst I fret about my kids unique social style which is SO wasted on these kids. I mean who wouldn't want to jump on a tramampoline as a mermaid (two legs in one trouser/tight leg).

All in all a fairly stress free day.  The Pot pills seem to be working! That and the 3hr break! Oh and NO housework at all.  This week should be fun...NOT!



Meltdowns - none that I've been party to!
Losing the Plot - none
Breastfeeding - three teeth erupting which explains A LOT

Day after Joy Day

My children have decided to wake up two hours earlier than they normally would. Oh Joy!! The girls were happy. I stayed in bed. They ate their graze box and watched cartoons.

I decide to go to a funeral. Oh Joy!! The girls were happy at home still watching cartoons.

We went to a crappy pound shop for the girls to spend their pocket money and Ellie buys something that I had just bought for both as a surprise for them to share in the morning. Oh Joy!! The girls were happy.

I decided to try an alternative today and didn't take my iPhone out with me. Oh Joy!!

We decide to go to the germ infested pee smelling soft play place that the girls frequented in their youth. Oh Joy!! The girls were happy. So was hubby who played with Millie. I had no iPhone and had to read a crappy fashion 'be thin be happy fight your demons be strong but be thin doing it' type magazine. Then I chased the girls round on my hands and knees (which I haven't done for over a year) till my wrists went numb.

Went to family for evening tea. Was reminded its hubby's birthday in THREE bloody days. Three. Shit. Looks like another year of handmade cards by the kids and pizza. There was chocolate cake. Oh Joy! The girls were happy. So was hubby.

Came home made glow fairy's in a jar that looked nothing like the picture and ingested a tiny bit by accident and can't get rank taste out of mouth. Oh Joy! The girls were happy.

Fell asleep at 8pm. Woken at 10pm for milk. Watched a few funny programs. Ate pizza and chocolate. Oh Joy! I was quite happy today. Mostly.

Happy. Happy. Joy. Joy.

Meltdowns - none

Losing the plot - kept in check. Pretty much.

Breastfeeding - in soft play. Aahhhh it's been a while!! I kinda missed it. Nothing like the mix of smelly feet and pee to enjoy your meal with.

Joy Day

I showed the doctor what I'd written down because I always cry when I talk about what's going on for me at the moment. He basically said most of it sounds normal for a mum with three kids, my kids were great and I was very lucky...but let's give them a try and see how you feel in a month. They also take 6-8 weeks to kick in. I'm not great at math but that doesn't add up to me. Anyway. I came home took one at lunch time, felt nauseous for two hours later and couldn't eat again till the evening. Now that was an unexpected bonus!!

Fact is I was still not sure I should/wanted be taking them, then hubby came home with a new Potters herbal potion and I changed my mind and went with them instead. A heady mixture of valerian varian and hops. Apparently I'd be better off drinking beer for the hops, but I don't like beer. I feel more comfortable taking the herbal remedy 'for the symptomatic relief of tenseness, irritability or agitation due to the stresses and strains of modern life.

I was incredibly and irrationally pissed off that hubby had brought them home on the same day that I'd made the decision, braved the doctors and taken a pill already. But I took a few Potters (from now on called Pot) tablets and decided to Let. It. Go.

Now to find my JOY. Started with a dog walk with my mother and Millie had her first encounter with the outside ground in a wood. It's finally dry enough! She'll be a NIN (nurture in nature) baby yet! I feel bad that she has not had the NIN experience yet unlike her sisters who were practically outdoors from birth!

Meltdown - possibly a smallish one over non food eating

Losing the plot - over the car seat. Every trip (the eldest one)

Breastfeeding - every couple of hours at night, prob teething, no sleep

Cyclical

Its one of *those* kitchen days

"You have so many kids!" my friend's 4yr old said to me today.

December was my last personal post it was about needing to change. For 3months I haven't really written much about my real life stuff. You can track my insecure depressed crappy mother feelings by my silences. I lose my writing ability. I lose my self. I lose my magic thinking. I feel overwhelmed by kids! I don't know what happens. I don't feel able. Or capable. Or worthy to be a mother to my three amazing children (omg I just wrote two! SEE. I just should NOT be their mother right now!!) But I am. For my sins.

I tried a few anti anxiety tablets. They gave me terrible headaches. They did help me feel much calmer about the way the day was going. The way the noise was increasing. The way the mayhem was spiralling. The way the needs of three young children were battering at every fibre of my being. The way my brain felt like it was about to explode into a tiny million pieces but instead explodes where it shouldn't. At my children. Loudly. Scarily. Pointlessly. Damagingly. Those tiny little grey things dulled the ever increasing feeling of finding myself thinking I shouldn't have had another one or perhaps any. I'm not cut out for this. I hate myself. It slowed the relentlessness. The stress. The never ending cycle that is my life just now.

Those were some damn fine pills but not recommended or prescribed long term.

Of course there is more to it. Sleep deprivation being a major headfuck. Low on resources. Lack of support. Loneliness. Isolation. Crappy diet. Lack of exercise. Lack of time. It's a cycle of despair. I need to get it in check.

So, this is why I haven't written much recently. Not too many laughs going on here.

I have been searching for my Joy. Its really elusive this time. Tomorrow I am going to see if the doctor will give me some Joy in a box. I am still not sure if its a good idea or not. It scares the shit out of me but all too often I'm feeling powerless, useless and depleted on all fronts. They could give me a leg out of this hole I'm trying to scrabble out of. That I'm clawing at and sliding further and further down. They could zombify my brain, deaden my emotions, dull the reality and leave me addicted to a Prozac life. I read Prozac Nation when I was young. It equally enthralled and frightened me.

Lets see what he says.

Meltdowns - many many many muchly
Losing the Plot - quite possibly
Breastfeeding - endlessly but forever.  It's so damn handy for everything.  Meltdowns, hunger, upsets, connections, bonding to name but a few!!

Don't you know what you are doing?

It's maddening that there are people out there potentially damaging a baby's possibility of getting the optimal biological requirement. Without even realising they are doing it.

Don't they realise that by not supporting a mothers right, RIGHT, to feed her baby whenever wherever and however, they are just another voice in society condemning a woman for following the biological norm.

Woman need to have breastfeeding normalised so they can get on with the need to feed, comfort & bond with their child. Not made to feel ridiculed, shamed and insecure so much so that they may not be able to leave the house and potentially jeopardise the breastfeeding relationship