Day after Joy Day

My children have decided to wake up two hours earlier than they normally would. Oh Joy!! The girls were happy. I stayed in bed. They ate their graze box and watched cartoons.

I decide to go to a funeral. Oh Joy!! The girls were happy at home still watching cartoons.

We went to a crappy pound shop for the girls to spend their pocket money and Ellie buys something that I had just bought for both as a surprise for them to share in the morning. Oh Joy!! The girls were happy.

I decided to try an alternative today and didn't take my iPhone out with me. Oh Joy!!

We decide to go to the germ infested pee smelling soft play place that the girls frequented in their youth. Oh Joy!! The girls were happy. So was hubby who played with Millie. I had no iPhone and had to read a crappy fashion 'be thin be happy fight your demons be strong but be thin doing it' type magazine. Then I chased the girls round on my hands and knees (which I haven't done for over a year) till my wrists went numb.

Went to family for evening tea. Was reminded its hubby's birthday in THREE bloody days. Three. Shit. Looks like another year of handmade cards by the kids and pizza. There was chocolate cake. Oh Joy! The girls were happy. So was hubby.

Came home made glow fairy's in a jar that looked nothing like the picture and ingested a tiny bit by accident and can't get rank taste out of mouth. Oh Joy! The girls were happy.

Fell asleep at 8pm. Woken at 10pm for milk. Watched a few funny programs. Ate pizza and chocolate. Oh Joy! I was quite happy today. Mostly.

Happy. Happy. Joy. Joy.

Meltdowns - none

Losing the plot - kept in check. Pretty much.

Breastfeeding - in soft play. Aahhhh it's been a while!! I kinda missed it. Nothing like the mix of smelly feet and pee to enjoy your meal with.

Joy Day

I showed the doctor what I'd written down because I always cry when I talk about what's going on for me at the moment. He basically said most of it sounds normal for a mum with three kids, my kids were great and I was very lucky...but let's give them a try and see how you feel in a month. They also take 6-8 weeks to kick in. I'm not great at math but that doesn't add up to me. Anyway. I came home took one at lunch time, felt nauseous for two hours later and couldn't eat again till the evening. Now that was an unexpected bonus!!

Fact is I was still not sure I should/wanted be taking them, then hubby came home with a new Potters herbal potion and I changed my mind and went with them instead. A heady mixture of valerian varian and hops. Apparently I'd be better off drinking beer for the hops, but I don't like beer. I feel more comfortable taking the herbal remedy 'for the symptomatic relief of tenseness, irritability or agitation due to the stresses and strains of modern life.

I was incredibly and irrationally pissed off that hubby had brought them home on the same day that I'd made the decision, braved the doctors and taken a pill already. But I took a few Potters (from now on called Pot) tablets and decided to Let. It. Go.

Now to find my JOY. Started with a dog walk with my mother and Millie had her first encounter with the outside ground in a wood. It's finally dry enough! She'll be a NIN (nurture in nature) baby yet! I feel bad that she has not had the NIN experience yet unlike her sisters who were practically outdoors from birth!

Meltdown - possibly a smallish one over non food eating

Losing the plot - over the car seat. Every trip (the eldest one)

Breastfeeding - every couple of hours at night, prob teething, no sleep

Cyclical

Its one of *those* kitchen days

"You have so many kids!" my friend's 4yr old said to me today.

December was my last personal post it was about needing to change. For 3months I haven't really written much about my real life stuff. You can track my insecure depressed crappy mother feelings by my silences. I lose my writing ability. I lose my self. I lose my magic thinking. I feel overwhelmed by kids! I don't know what happens. I don't feel able. Or capable. Or worthy to be a mother to my three amazing children (omg I just wrote two! SEE. I just should NOT be their mother right now!!) But I am. For my sins.

I tried a few anti anxiety tablets. They gave me terrible headaches. They did help me feel much calmer about the way the day was going. The way the noise was increasing. The way the mayhem was spiralling. The way the needs of three young children were battering at every fibre of my being. The way my brain felt like it was about to explode into a tiny million pieces but instead explodes where it shouldn't. At my children. Loudly. Scarily. Pointlessly. Damagingly. Those tiny little grey things dulled the ever increasing feeling of finding myself thinking I shouldn't have had another one or perhaps any. I'm not cut out for this. I hate myself. It slowed the relentlessness. The stress. The never ending cycle that is my life just now.

Those were some damn fine pills but not recommended or prescribed long term.

Of course there is more to it. Sleep deprivation being a major headfuck. Low on resources. Lack of support. Loneliness. Isolation. Crappy diet. Lack of exercise. Lack of time. It's a cycle of despair. I need to get it in check.

So, this is why I haven't written much recently. Not too many laughs going on here.

I have been searching for my Joy. Its really elusive this time. Tomorrow I am going to see if the doctor will give me some Joy in a box. I am still not sure if its a good idea or not. It scares the shit out of me but all too often I'm feeling powerless, useless and depleted on all fronts. They could give me a leg out of this hole I'm trying to scrabble out of. That I'm clawing at and sliding further and further down. They could zombify my brain, deaden my emotions, dull the reality and leave me addicted to a Prozac life. I read Prozac Nation when I was young. It equally enthralled and frightened me.

Lets see what he says.

Meltdowns - many many many muchly
Losing the Plot - quite possibly
Breastfeeding - endlessly but forever.  It's so damn handy for everything.  Meltdowns, hunger, upsets, connections, bonding to name but a few!!