Shit day

I hate bully's. I detest bully's. They make me really angry, now. I was bullied a lot growing up. First by my brother, then at school. I was weak. I took it. I didn't have the courage, confidence or the words to stand up for myself. So, when I hear or see my kids being bullied it really makes me see red.

The girls are at the play park for 5mins before we go home. It's in an undesirable location and I'm waiting right beside it, in the car for them, with Millie. Ellie comes over to say one of her shoes is missing. I send her back to search but to no avail. I join her to look and ask the kids there if they have seen it. They all say they haven't seen it and even half heartedly join in the search. I'm becoming more and more stressed and can feel myself about to explode How can a shoe just disappear??? Then I realise. It must be in the bin. I carefully pull the bag up to look and don't see it. I search some more and notice the play park is a complete dump. These people just don't care about where they live. They don't give a crap about their children playing in such a mess. That's when I stop caring. I grab the bin bag and yank it out spilling its contents into an already dump of a play park and find the shoe. I make sure my kids are in the car and shout "you are nasty little bastards" and storm off.

I was very angry but I do feel guilty for shouting that at them. Thinking about it though, it's probably nothing their own parents haven't said to them. And that's the sad part. These bully kids are most likely bullied and treated badly at home. It's all they know. It's normal for them.

Today hasn't been a calm feeling day for me. Maybe the Pot pills have stopped working. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe its the mid week slump but whatever it was, I ran out of patience after Maia dropped Millie on the floor, split open her lip and nose causing blood to gush everywhere. We were at a toddler group. I'd thought I might be able to converse with real adults but Maia was having none of it. I think she's coming down with something so is extra needy at the moment. I read a few dozen books and played her annoying robber game but she was still in my face needing more more more. I was losing it. Then the gushing blood incident happened. Yes it was probably an accident but her lack of remorse pissed me off royally. Then she started nagging me to leave and that was it. I gave her a full on lecture about how I would leave when I was ready and she was not in control of me AND I was upset that she had shown no upset about what happened to Millie. Then once home she refused to help with the dishwasher so I refused to let her watch tv and then she refused the lunch I'd made her so I refused to make anything else and basically said she had to make her own. Which she did! ( with a bit of help from me). The fact is I was feeling taken advantage of. It's a common feeling. Today I rebelled. Maia was very upset. I was not moved. I hate days like these.

I know it was not the best way to react just like shouting at the bully kids in the park wasn't either. Sometimes I revert to saying and doing things I shouldn't. I can hear myself and I know it's wrong, know its upsetting and harmful but I can't stop myself.

Maybe I'm a bully?

Help or hinder?

The world is full of people who either want to help or who want to call the police on me. I encounter them daily. I blame my hands off type parenting!

The day started off in its usual way. Girls up way too early, I crawl into their room to catch an extra 30mins.

It looks like we might actually make the bell today (for the second time this year). Feeling relatively calm even tho they didn't eat breakfast and the house looks like its been turned upside down, shaken then bombed. We try to open the car only to find it locked. No problem will just get my bag with my purse which I now diligently keep hanging up by the door now. Yes! I have finally trained myself not to leave it all in the car since the car got burgled. It's a pain in the neck but much sensibler. Obviously.

Bag not there. Ok. Still calm, these Pot pills are bloody fantastic. Quick look in house. Back to car. Maybe it's locked inside. Hubby took car to shops last night. Maybe he locked it with my bag inside (completely forgetting they stole the other key so not possible). Brainwave, spare key upstairs. Now this is where it gets complicated. Stupid annoying idiotic French computerised mind of its own keyless car uses a card to start that you can even keep in your pocket. Spare key part only opens door. Open door. Stupid annoying idiotic French computerised mind of its own keyless car doesn't like that I've done this and the alarm goes off. And won't stop. Bag not in car. Alarm finally stops but every time the door is opened alarm goes off again. I'm starting to attract attention. I can feel it. Come inside to get Millie's snowsuit on, still optimistic that bag will magically appear. It's bright orange. Hardly missable. Instruct Ellie to call hubby over and over in case he feels phone whilst cycling. Nope. Maia goes and double checks the car which sets alarm off again.

I'm now sitting on the stairs with an upset Millie who hates getting dressed and I'm thinking any minute now a neighbour is going to come storming over. Whilst I'm playing out the scenario in my head (which doesn't end well), the neighbour who gave us back our dogs poo (in a bag) and called the dog police on us, pops her head round the door. I'm nearing the end of my coping when she asks if everything is ok. She's here to help! Relief. But OMG the state of the house.

She tries to hold Millie whilst I look for the bag. Millie's having none of it and freaks out. She tries to engage the girls in a game of hunt the bag. Ellie tries the car again. Alarm goes off again. I start crying. We give up. Everyone is staying home today.

An hour later my cousin comes over to help and she takes Ellie to school then comes back to help me tidy up a bit. Amazeballs cuz engages Maia in felting with sharp scary needle and I fall asleep with Millie till its time to pick up Ellie.

Oh. Hubby finally texts back "Oops, bag in my green coat pocket". I resist the urge to text back FU only because its his birthday.

Since the dog didn't get a walk in the morning we go to the local park ad whilst the girls are in the play part I wander round the outside throwing the ball for him. Ellie comes to ask where Maia is and she comes running up behind us, next thing I see is a woman purposefully walking towards me to inform me that Maia had been waaay over there lost. I said she wasn't lost she just came back. She says she was waaay over there saying she didn't know where I was and she had decided to bring her back to the play park. She told me that other people had gathered and were getting the park ranger and they were probably calling the police and I was clearly not even aware or concerned that she was lost and that they will probably call social services on me. I said 'oh thanks for that'. She was very annoyed that I wasn't more flustered and walked off to get the Ranger.

I talked to Maia and explained that she can't walk off like that. She said she was looking for the yew berries. In fairness to the situation and had I actually been looking for her, I would have been able to see her, she wasn't *that* far away. Maia knows this park very well. I also trust her. Anyway I consider leaving but notice the woman come back with the ranger and steel myself for more accusations of neglect. I get the 'the park is full of weird men and I need to be more careful' lecture. Say yes of course, thank you and leave it at that only to turn round to hear Ellie shrieking her usual banshee shriek stuck at the top of a play piece with a crowd of mothers gathering under her scanning the place for her clearly neglectful non helicopter mother. I think it's time to leave.

The car won't open with the key card. Flip off the door cover and open car with key. Stupid annoying idiotic French computerised mind of its own keyless car doesn't like that. Alarm goes off. It's definitely time to leave now. Not before another woman comes over to see if everything is ok. I know how to fix this problem but am again grateful and relieved at the kindness.

Return home and pop over to the neighbour from this morning to say thank you, let her know where my bag was and check she wasn't going to call social services on me for the chaos this morning and state of the house. She isn't. Bonus!

Meltdowns - up high at playpark

Losing Plot - amazingly not

Breastfeeding - as ever

Day 6 - Mid Week Wobbler

Do you want to know what happens to a mum and her kids when they don't eat properly during the day?

It wasn't pretty. 

It could have been another great day of calm and non shoutingness but I hadn't eaten since 10am and it was now 5pm. 

We had gone to a really cool ceramic place where the girls had made paint bubble pictures and played in a small soft play area with their friends. I made Millie's handprint. I sat and chatted to another mum. I was telling her about how wonderful EC was and bloody hell if Millie didn't pee on me mid sentence! Typical. The morning was going well. The girls had lunch about 12pm but there was nothing for me and I'd already spent waaaay too much. 

Afterwards we took the dog to a walk at a country park. The girls chose to go in the massive playpark whilst I walked Riley around. Then we went to the small animal park. We stayed for about 3hrs. I should have sensed things were about to go flooby when Maia refused to get into the car because she wanted Ellie to see the goats and Ellie refused to go with Maia unless I went. I'd already strapped Millie in and had been waiting for them as they explored the other smaller park. I was mega mega hungry and tired by now. 

Is it really gross that I was so hungry I ate the broken oat cakes I found in the back of the car? They were only a few days old!!

Goat seen, we finally left. It was now 4pm . On the way home we decided to stop for ice cream sorbet. I was under the impression that the offer of ice cream would create squeals of excitement in children. Nope, all I got was moaning about wanting the big tub from the shops instead and nagging for double not single *sigh*.

I asked the girls to stay in the car but Ellie followed me in. She became very upset at the ice cream choice. I had already bought them and wasn't changing. She has an excema reaction to dairy and too much overloads her system, so it was sorbet instead. She started hitting and shouting at me trying to knock the cone out my hand. I got to the car, gave Maia hers and checked Millie was still sleeping. Ellie refused to get in the car and refused to take the sorbet which was melting. I ate mine. Maia ate hers. Ellie's started melting.  She continued to call me names and not get into the car. When she could see I wasn't changing cones, she asked for more sprinkles instead so we went back in to ask for more. I nearly cried when she said I can't stick it in you've already licked it, I said just pour it on top. She said it probably won't stick. I don't care says I. She must have thought I was mental!! But she did it thank heavens! Slightly placated, we went back to the car but she took her own sweet time doing it.

Once home I quickly got the oven on and attended to Millie. I calmed her down enough to be sitting on the sofa whilst I shoved something highly non nutritious and easy in the oven. 

Ellie has this new thing she has been doing whereby she tries to scare people by jumping out at them. She has also been doing it to Millie. She jumps in her face and shouts boo. I have asked her many times not to and explained how it upsets her. Today I asked her if she wanted Millie's memories of her sister to be once of being scared. 

So the next thing I hear is a loud boo and then crying. I'm afraid this was my limit. Tired hungry and cranky I shot into the conservatory whipped up Millie, gave a suitable glare and walked out. She followed me into the kitchen and again tried to give us a fright. What followed was far from pretty. I lost it. She lost it. I shouted. She shouted. Millie cried. Ellie cried. It wasn't my best parenting moment. 

Once hubby was home, I was still not in a good space and should have given up there and then, but remembered we still had Maia's birthday cake to make. So feeling slightly jangled, we started. Millie started crying and Maia spilt 200g sugar on the floor. In the midst of my crazy plot losing hoovering, Ellie's words drifted into my consciousness "you need to calm down mummy". It worked. I left the kitchen and stood in the rain for a while. 

Ellie went present shopping with hubby and I patched things up with Maia, finished the cake and took her to bed.

As is always the way, Ellie gave me an opportunity to reconnect at bedtime by not falling asleep for ages. 10pm and lots of hangmans and mazes later I remembered I still hadn't had dinner.






Meltdowns - oh boy
Losing the Plot - oh boy oh boy
Breastfeeding - oh yeah!

Tomorrow I remain 

~~~calm~~~