It's not me

It's not me. It's not me. It's not me. It's not me. It's not me!!

It's the society we live in. It's this insular mainstream, disconnect as soon as possible from your children, messed up yet still doesn't see the damage it's doing to each generation society. IT'S NOT ME!

Camp. Was. Amazing.

Ellie relaxing round fire

It couldn't have come at a more crucial time.  This last year and a bit has been a bit of a mental physical emotional metaphysical biological monetary(al) astronomical mindfuck. Adjusting and growing into life with another needboid  wonderfully gorgeous exceptionally super, new person and with all the financial stress has been.....weeeelll you all know how's it's been!!  We've been living off fish fingers, porridge and mayhem!!!

Anyway, we went to a La Leche League Family camp this year. It was a camp for families who all parent in a similar way. A camp for people who believe in breastfeeding past the meagre 4-6month norm. People who cosleep and are familiar with gentle discipline and loving guidance. Who had no difficulties in sharing their time, love and energy with my three girls and who were happy to connect, communicate, and love my girls exactly as they are. To hold them on their knees, walk with them through the woods, play any manner of crazy games at any given moment. Didn't care that their faces were dirty, that their hair was full of the outdoors, that their clothes stank of smoke - oh. No. Wait a minute, they weren't really wearing clothes half the time. And that didn't matter either!!  It was just completely brilliant. My girls used the words 'my friends' and I felt happy inside knowing that they were experiencing that real meaning. 

There was a fire on the go 24/7 to warm cook, dry, and laugh around. There was someone to talk to whenever you wanted or there were secluded enclaves if you needed some space. There was camp fire singing, silly games, abominable jokes, confusing riddles, arts and crafts, organised outings and a loving vibe from each and every person. Teens interacted with Tweens and babies as smoothly and effortlessly as Tweens with adults and adults with teens. Everyone was involved in the welfare of everyone and it was all so beautiful to watch.  We were so welcomed as newcomers. At times, It was beyond my capacity to actually believe it was really happening!! I cried a lot. I laughed a lot. I worried a lot less and  practically *never* lost the plot!! It's only me a tiny bit in this environment.

Even little Millster was left to explore her environment without helicopter hovering freaking out judgy people. She was watched with a gentle eye and a loving hand if needed. She was carried by children of all ages to where she needed to be, usually brought back to me but not always!  There wasn't an eyelid batted or a sharp intake of breathe (well maybe once or twice!!) as she toddled about the camp, moved around the fire and wandered about the woods.

I may be idealising it a bit but seriously it was pretty great. My kids needed the full on non stop nurturing and I needed the space and acceptance. I felt so much relief to hear people being positive about our girls instead of feeling paranoid and fear over their behaviour and appearance and exuberance. 

I have to admit, I was nostalgically whisked back to my camping days as a kid in Habonim Dror, the popular Jewish (Socialist) Youth movement in my day. So many similarities but the one massive difference which I think is really the crux of the matter, it didn't include my own parents.  It was a camp of like minded folks in its way, similar gentle values but without the boob philosophy!! Yet my own folks weren't there to experience and connect and build our familial relationship, year after year. 

I am completely fascinated and excited that this camp has been running for over 14 years. That these kids have come back, year after year *with* their parents and effectively simulated tribal living for that brief moment of their lives. What an amazing opportunity these families have had and still have. I kept imagining their next generation of babies being breastfed and held and gently guided through those woods and through their lives.

I so want this where I live and I so totally want to see our fledgling NIN camping trips evolving and growing year after year in this way. It's given me some great ideas and I now have this whole fantasy and vision of our NIN camps turning out similarly!!! Maybe...

Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm stuck in a fantasy. Maybe I'm too old and stuck in my ways for it to EVER really work but that ethos of sharing and community and helping and understanding and communicating and connecting and supporting is something I am always searching for and always seems just. out. of. my. reach. 

So, if I can have it regularly from now on, for about one month of my life, this could be the turning point I've been looking for. 

In the Happy Valley there *ARE* 
 b( . )( . )bs but no rules. 

Well just that small one about burning sticks!!!

Meltdowns - mainly due to extreme tiredness from being non stop on the go in the woods

Losing the plot - I actually don't think so. May need hubby verification. 

Breastfeeding - you better believe it!!

Did someone say Tribal?

7wk baby needs comfort milk

You know that way you are in a room and there is a crying baby. You don't know the baby. You don't know who the mother is. The baby is getting more and more upset. You are becoming more and more upset because its hard to hear a baby crying . The baby is picked up and held but is still upset and starting to scream. You realise the mother is busy and the baby just needs boob. You say very loudly half jokingly "this baby needs milk do you want me to feed her?" And the mother, who is currently doing a sling demonstration and unable to take her baby pipes up, sure! so I do! THAT!

We need food. We need food so badly I am willing to brave shopping again. It has to be me. I have to do a big shop. I have invited friends over for dinner and we have nothing in. 

Millie is upset before we even get out the car, so I sit in car and feed her while the girls sort out the trolley. Once placated and asleep and strapped on my back, Maia pushing her own wee trolley and with Ellie in the baby seat of a big trolley I confidently march into the supermarket. I am scunnered in the first aisle by Maia changing her mind about taking the trolley round and Ellie refusing to move over to let Maia in real trolley. Try to hook toy trolley in real trolley and grapple Maia into the real trolley seat. It's doesn't work. A member of staff offers to take toy trolley to front desk (as I write this at 11pm, I realise we have left it there!) I love Waitrose. 

I have a list. I find it's really important now to have a list. Firstly I have a terrible memory so the list helps. Secondly it keeps us focused and gives the girls something to read and follow. We manage another aisle before Ellie needs the toilet so we traipse to the other end of the store. I am determined mama today so we are soon back on track. The list helps. 

Half an hour later and half way round whilst searching for ground almonds(great source of calcium) and enlisting the help of a different member of staff, I realise I have left my purse and phone at the front door on a trolley when I was slinging and trolleying everyone. The staff lady goes to hopefully retrieve them and comes back with them AND the ground almonds. I love Waitrose!!

I leave the girls choosing in the magazine aisle whilst I go to the toilet, I know they need to browse the cheap plastic tat choice on the front of the magazine and I don't think my patience can last waiting while they decide, I also need to pee. I innocently suggest they see if the inside also appeals. They know I will sit with them and go through it at some point so it should be at least of some interest inside. 

We make it to the checkout in one piece and luckily picked the one with two staff. So one packs whilst Maia helps me put stuff on conveyor belt and Ellie commandeers both staff to help her open her nuts. She is a very persuasive girl when she needs to be. The lovely lady puts it in the bags and the trolley AND puts it in the car. 

Did I mention I love waitrose!! I'm fairly sure I wouldn't manage a shop otherwise. 

Even though its now 11.30am and the sling meet finishes at 12pm ( I thought it was 12.30pm, I would not have gone if I had known that), I rush home put the frozen stuff away and rush out to where that most wonderful and incredible moment happened. Mostly because I thought wow! A kindred spirit perhaps? A like minded potential friend? She lives in Helensburgh. About an hour away. Typical. Hmmmmmm (marge Simpson style groan)

The sling meet is in an amazing wee second hand boutique called merry go round. Everytime we go, I leave with something brilliant and inexpensive, a gorgeous dress for Millie, nappi nippas(been living with two for a few months, total pain), a book for girls, a distant almost forgotten memory of tribal living thousands of years ago. 

Millie sheltering from rain whilst I dig holes

Once home, I decide to do some gardening, as my mum gave me some plants to plant.  It's easy she says.  Just dig a hole and put them in.  I lay a mat for Millie and my knees and amazingly she falls asleep within minutes!!  The soil has tons of weeds so need to remove them first.  There is a hacked down tree I want completely removed but it attacked my arm so I give up, then the spade snaps in two. Then it starts to rain  Easy my arse!!  Dig crappy wee holes with trowel, plop plants in then sit on rug for well earned rest before Millie wakes.  Two minutes later, Millie wakes!! 

I'm ridiculously excited to be having company tonight. It's been such a long time. Too long. I think i may have still been pregnant....with Ellie! As our guest said "feel like we are coming out of a slumber(?)". I knew what he meant. 

We chose to parent this way, to not leave our kids with sitters (strangers effectively) or grandparents until they were of an age we felt they were emotionally and physically ready. We chose not to leave them because we wanted to be with them and we wanted them to know we were there for them, always, even at night. Having three kids so close in age has meant very few 'nights out'. We would not consider raising our children any other way but there is no denying it is full on!!

They brought red wine!! It's been such a long time. Too long!! I don't drink red wine. I thought I didn't like it. I do now!! Maybe having three kids changes your taste buds or something! I have the equivelant of one, maybe one and half glasses over the course of the evening. I feel giddy and gleeful. Maybe I ought to get out more!

It really is a great evening the girls all play together with unbelievably minimal fracas. We put the tent up yesterday so they have a ball in there. And ice cream. 

As is the way the kids try to persuade the parents to do a sleep over. I'm up for it. The dad is hesitant. I wonder why. Turns out he wants to do the father daughter first night in a tent in the back garden thing. How adorable and honest of him. I offer the upstairs instead. 

A sleepover for the girls. How cool!! It's been such a long time. Too long. Tonight I read three stories whilst feeding Millie to sleep. One for each girl. They all fall asleep together on a double mattress. 

Tomorrow is graze box day!!

Meltdowns - almost non existent

Losing the Plot - nope!

Breastfeeding - oh yes, the tribal way!!!!!!