'First They Came For' the breastfeeders, then the protesters.

My name is Miriam and I am a lactivist.  At the moment it could be akin to admitting alcoholism, except people seem to have more sympathy for alcoholics than for someone trying to normalise breastfeeding.  We have been called every name under the sun, accused of making mothers feel guilty for not breastfeeding,  demonizing companies for not supporting breastfeeding and creating a culture of them and us.

In reality though, we are merely trying to make available the resources and advice that women NEED in order to have a supportive and encouraging breastfeeding relationship with their baby. We tend to forget that breastfeeding is normal:

“We must not let inverted phrasing by the media and by our peers go unchallenged. When we fail to describe the hazards of artificial feeding, we deprive mothers of crucial decision-making information. The mother having difficulty with breastfeeding may not seek help just to achieve a "special bonus;" but she may clamour for help if she knows how much she and her baby stand to lose. She is less likely to use artificial milk just "to get him used to a bottle" if she knows that the contents of that bottle cause harm.” Diane Wiessinger Watch Your Language Reprinted from the Journal of Human Lactation, Vol. 12, No. 1, 1996

The whole complete facebook company does not like breastfeeding , is that really possible that a whole entire company does not advocate and accept that breastfeeding is a normal nurturing imperative  for  the health and well being of babies?   Is that really why they removed my account? .Is that why they removed some of my breastfeeding pictures? Is that why they have with little or no regard for the content. Do they really believe that breastfeeding pictures are pornographic or sexually suggestive.  If it is nudity they are concerned about, (if there is a nipple, it's deemed nudity), surely there are other pages out there that have FAR more nudity than my two bumps, which rarely have nipple showing, because it is usually in my babies mouth. 

I, as well as many of my peers, am basically trying to show that breastfeeding is not something to be afraid of.  It is not some higher unattainable nirvana, its normal. The more people that see pictures of breastfeeding and feel inspired or less nervous about feeding their own baby, the more babies are being given what they are biologically pre-disposed to have, human milk for human babies.

This is the other issue with accounts being disabled that is not given consideration, in this insular society we live in, when my account was disabled I lost my main support system of like minded friends and this is actually more than just loss of a fun network site, because as a mother of two toddlers trying to raise my children in a conscious gentle way, some days it can be a life saving sanity site.

Next Saturday 22^nd January 2011, there is a world wide protest on facebook, whereby people are going to log off facebook for an entire day, to protest about mothers accounts being disabled and pictures being deleted and support groups being removed.  Will you support this protest group: 

This is a page called Removed- The List  it is an to index current links to "Bring Back..." groups/pages. Groups/pages and personal profiles that were deleted from Facebook for sharing videos and/or pictures which includes Birthing, Breastfeeding, Elimination Communication and Circumcision. 


**UPDATE**
2012 Virtual Nurse In: http://www.facebook.com/events/223438821070846/

2012 Protest 6th February Worldwide Locations: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=324817760874621

support disabled

The whole complete facebook company does not like breastfeeding , is that really possible that a whole entire company does not advocate and accept that breastfeeding is a normal nurturing imperative  for  the health and well being of babies?   Is that really why they removed my account?  Do they really believe that breastfeeding pictures  are pornographic, sexually suggestive, or contains nudity.  If 'contains nudity' (if there is a nipple, it's nudity) is really an offence on facebook, surely there are other pages, well come on we KNOW there are other pages out there that have FAR more nudity than my two bumps.  

Its not against the law to discriminate against breastfeeding pictures,  because they are not a public authority, the law does not apply to them.  Facebook are lawless when it comes to breastfeeding.  Should the acceptance of breastfeeding be made law? 'You will accept breastfeeding pictures or you will be put in jail.'  It’s being done to some extent, right now in Indonesia.  Are we that far down the road to detrimental health and well being of our children that we need to do this too? 

Of course not, but there is no denying that the emotional and physical health and well being of our society is not exactly optimum.  You need only look at the hundreds of get healthy, feel better, sort out your life, deal with your emotions, talk about your feelings, fix your head, get fit, eat healthy, be healthy, stop dying early programs that are out there.  So it really makes sense when an answer is staring people in the face, the unequivocal research and statistics and studies.  Breastfeeding does things, course it does, otherwise why would the human body do it, and do it so brilliantly and do it exactly at the point when your baby is born.  

Makes sense really, when you think about it.  Breastfeeding contributes to a whole gamut of beneficialness for mother and baby. There is no denying the emotional bonding effectiveness of breastfeeding either. 

Its all been proven...many many times. *yawn* . Heard it all before, some people just refuse to listen. *shrug* what can I do? Carry on with what I am doing, I suppose.  


The other issue here is that I have lost my main support system of like minded friends and as a mother of two toddlers trying to raise my children in a conscious gentle way, they are actually more than just support, way more.  Meanwhile the MAJOR breastfeeding support group The Leaky Boob has also been deleted, show your support here 

Of course it is possible its for another reason...it could be the bare flesh *shock* *horror*...don't you just love our society that has people who are so *fucked* up and far gone that they need to get their pleasure this way. But that's a whole nother issue.

Meltdowns - BF helps

Losing the Plot - BF helps

Breastfeeding - YES.  It does exactly what its for and much much more.


**UPDATE**
2012 Virtual Nurse In: http://www.facebook.com/events/223438821070846/

2012 Protest 6th February Worldwide Locations: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=324817760874621

Articles supporting co-sleeping

ARTICLES SUPPORTING CO-SLEEPING

JAMES J. MCKENNA, Ph.D. Rev. Edmund P. Joyce, C.S.C Chair in Anthropology and Director, Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory

University of Notre Dam

1.     Why babies should never sleep alone: A review of the co-sleeping controversy in relation to SIDS, bedsharing and breast feeding James J. McKenna* and Thomas McDade 2005:

2.     Why we never ask ‘is it safe for infants to sleep alone’ Historical Origins of Scientific Bias in bedsharing SIDS/SUDI ‘Debate’ by James McKenna in the Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine and News 2001:

3.     In Defence of Maya’s Mother in Contempary Peadiatircs 2000:

4.     Maternal Sleep and Arousals during Bedsharing with Infants in American Sleep Disorders Association and Sleep Research Society 1997:

5.     Infant-Parent Co-Sleeping in an Evolutionary Perspective: Implications for Understanding Infant Sleep development and the Sudden Infant Death Syndrome in American Sleep Disorders Association and Sleep Research Society 1993

6.     RESEARCHING THE SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROME (SIDS) The Role of Ideology in Biomedical Science 1991

7.     Cosleeping and Biological Imperatives: Why Human Babies Do Not and Should Not Sleep Alone

Natural Child Project

1.     An Oversight of Our Culture

2.     Babies Need Their Mothers Beside Them

3.     Bedsharing Promotes Breastfeeding

4.     Bedtime Story: Co-sleeping Research

5.     The Con of Controlled Crying

6.     Cosleeping

7.     Cosleeping and Biological Imperatives: Why Human Babies Do Not and Should Not Sleep Alone

8.     Cosleeping Around The World

9.     Is It Time to Abolish Cribs?

10.  Is sleeping with my baby safe? Can it reduce the risk of SIDS?

11.  It's None of Their Business

12.  Need vs. Habit

13.  A Rediscovery

14.  Rethinking "Healthy" Infant Sleep

15.  Should My Baby be Sleeping Through the Night?

16.  Statement on sleeping locations and sudden death in infants

17.  Ten Reasons to Sleep Next to Your Child at Night

18.  When Will My Baby Soothe Himself to Sleep?

19.  Why babies should never sleep alone

20.  Why We Never Ask "Is it Safe for Infants to Sleep Alone?"

Mothering Magazine

1. Shouting For Baby
2. Real Men Sleep With Their Kids
3. Bed of Roses
4. Family Bed Safety
5. Where Oh Where Has Our Sex Life Gone
6. Breastfeeding & Bedsharing Still Useful (and Important) after All These Years
7. Where Should Babies Sleep at Night?: A Review of the Evidence from the CESDI SUDI Study
8. Solitary or Shared Sleep: What's Safe?
9. Sleep Environment Safety Checklist
10. How the Stats Really Stack Up: Cosleeping Is Twice As Safe
11. The Complexity of Parent-Child Cosleeping: Researching Cultural Beliefs
12. The New Zealand Experience: How Smoking Affects SIDS Rates
13. Bedsharing among Maoris: An Indigenous Tradition
14. Rooming-in at the Hospital: Assessing the Practical Considerations
15. Sleeping Like a Baby: How Bedsharing Soothes Infants
16. Not Designed to Sleep Alone
17. Bedsharing Research in Britian
18. The Family Bed: It's Safe and Here's Why
19. Three in a Bed
20. A Foot in Your Face, or Ten Other Reasons to Family Bed
21. Sleep with Me: A Trans-cultural Look at the Power--and Protection--of Sharing a Bed
22. A Maya Spiritual Bath That Heals a Child's Nightmares
23. Sleep, Beautiful, Sleep: You, too, Can Take a Nap
24. Pillow Talk: Helping your Child Get a Good Night's Sleep

Coming down

I am coming down.   That’s all I can explain it as.  I am coming down off the urgent feeling of impending disaster.  I am coming down from the intensity of anger that someone dare come into MY home and tell me how to raise my children without allowing me the opportunity to explain, due to fear.  I am coming down from the unbelievable shitty feeling that I don’t know how to parent.  Everyone’s support and responses have been heartening, I have a long way to go and I wish to G-d some of you lived near me but your words are all I can go on just now and they have reminded me of the most important thing…connection with my girls.  It feels like I have a lot of work to get it back and in the past week, , I have been taking things low key,  I have effectively given ‘control’ of things over to my husband because I have just been unable to ‘deal’ with any negative behaviour without feeling like I am going to explode or say something regretful.  He went back to work yesterday and I have been making such an incredible effort not to lose it and to try and connect with Ellie.  I admit it has been really hard and by about 4pm I am not in a great place L .  I feel like I am starting again everyday.  But I think bit by bit, we are making it work again, she is slowly trusting me again and pushing me less and less or maybe she is realising its not a good idea, not sure.  There is always the worry that it’s through fear of me ‘losing it’ but I am really trying hard to deal with things differently.  I KNOW she is doing it for a reaction and a connection, it’s just so hard.  Last night she was completely wild and sugar rush demented but I kept my cool, hubby was most impressed!  It’s such a disheartening feeling to feel like I have lost my connection with her just now.  Some days it feels pointless and I feel hopeless and like it’s a lost cause then I feel even more guilty and resolve to try harder.  Its so hard to know how much is normal 4yr old and it really breaks my heart to think that she is a product of me and through all my reading and knowing I have still managed to fuck up and go off course for a while.  I know it is all temporary.  I am doing the best I can. I just feel like I have to start again somehow.

Meltdowns - coming down
Losing the Plot - coming down
Breastfeeding - hahaha

Nursery or is there more to it?

Last Year I Wrote the following:
The thought that I need to push Ellie away to nursery into an environment that she is not ready for and doesn't need, seems wrong makes me feel….how does it make me feel……wrong

At that age, I’d rather she spend the time with people in her own family creating a connection and a bond to family rather than with a stranger who has no connection to me.

I’d rather she spend that time with someone who understands her needs and abilities and has the time and effort to allow her to develop at her own rate and I don’t think a nursery setting has the facilities or the capacity to enable that. The guidance used in a group setting of that many children of that age is not one I am comfortable with and I would hate to think that Ellie would have to compromise herself just to fit in. 


This nursery starting did not work out, she did not want to be there, she was not ready to settle and not be without me.  We decided to leave it for a while, which turned out to be almost another year.

A Year Later I am writing:

This is now our second attempt with introducing Ellie to nursery and whilst she seemingly has a great time when she is there, she now does not want me to leave the room and she now definitely does not want me to leave the building.  This has been a downward progression from the previous weeks, where I had managed to leave the building and sit in my car and then on another day leave the building and go home for an hour or so.
  
I have always tried to honour my children's needs and their wants as much as is possible in our day to day lives.   I let her know the night before we are going to nursery the next day and she says 'I don't want to go'  I let her know that I will not leave until she feels ready and is ok with me leaving she always says 'I will never want you to leave'.  The next morning, I gently encourage her to get there ( come on hurry up lets go we are going to be late!) and once there if she wants me in the room I stay and after a while if she is ok with me going to a different room, I leave.   I have to feed Maia in a different room (don't get me started) so often I say I am going to the staff room, she used to be non-plussed by this but recently she has not wanted me to go and wants to go with me.  Other times I have gone to an empty room and played alone with Maia.  At some point, I then let her know I am going to go home and will be back soon, I did this once last week.  This week she has been freaking out and pleading with me saying she doesn't want me to go.


Ellie is used to being able to choose what she wants to do at any given moment, I have watched her struggle with having to do what everyone else is doing but I have also watched her emphatically let them know that she does not want to do what they are suggesting. I have also watched her assert herself enough to be able to do it.   My worry  is that over time she will lose this ability to listen to herself. My other fear is of her being labelled disruptive.  I was once told by another mother that 'they all have to learn to conform eventually'. I may have visibly shuddered.


Ellie is used to being listened to and taken into regard with things and I don't believe that is fully possible in a group nursery setting. I have heard her repeating herself because they dont hear her and seen the confused expression on her face. She often repeats herself at home, but she is ALWAYS heard in the end. I have explained to her that she needs to be loud and clear when speaking to the teachers because they are so busy doing so many things, they might not hear. Often times, it is like they are just not expecting someone to voice an opinion

I have listened to the staff tell me that they want to build a bond with Ellie and they cant do that if I am there because she will always want to come to me..I have told them I am not prepared to leave the place if she is crying and becoming distressed.  Building that bond of trust can take a long time in some children.  Ellie took nearly two years to feel comfortable taking the hand of someone else in a group we go to twice a week.  Maia, well she was off playing with the stuff happy as larry....maybe because she had no conceivable idea that I would leave her...why would she?

I have listened to the staff say they are happy to have Ellie clinging to their leg for as long as it takes for her to feel secure. I am wondering when that became an ok way to be? If you knew your child was feeling so insecure and scared that they were literally clinging to a leg...wouldn't you want it to be yours?


I have listened to the staff offer to do something with her to entice her out of the staffroom, away from me and into the nursery setting, only to turn round, just when she was about to go with them, and say 'oh I can't I need to talk to these new parents having a look round'.  


I have listened to the staff say that pretty much EVERY child goes through this and if after 10-15minutes, they had not managed to calm them down, they would call me. I told them I would not let Ellie be in that state for more than 1 minute!  I cant help wonder how many children are crying their hearts out, feeling not listened to and have had yet another chink of trust broken off.  I also admit that one minute may have been an over-reaction on my part at the shock of hearing them say 15minutes later (of what hysterical freaking out or silent whimpering) and THEN they would call me.

I have listened to the staff tell me that every parent feels like this and I can't help wondering when we stopped listening to our instincts and felt we *had* to do this? I know some people need to, its a necessity,  but right now I don't need to.  Sure I would make the most of it and Maia would love the mummymaia time, but not at Ellie's expense.


I have listened to staff tell me that last year Ellie definitely wasn't ready for nursery but this year, they see a difference.  I have also heard staff say 'Ellie is not herself today' when she would not let me out of her sight. I have also heard Ellie say to me EVERY day I don't want to go to nursery AND I have heard another mother tell me their child did this twice.  She settled in once, then after the holidays needed to 'settle in' again.  What does this tell me?

I have listened to the staff tell me she will have to learn eventually because when she goes to school it will be harder for her and I can't help thinking that 1) I want to homeschool and  2) If I don't homeschool, she would be older still and more open to the separation and 3) she will learn eventually but I would rather it was in her own time and not being pushed by me.


Finally, I have listened to all of this, why is no-one listening to Ellie or me?

Meltdowns -  on the verge all morning

Losing the Plot - well its leaving me very emotional and stressed

Breastfeeding - away from other children incase g-d forbid a father walked in

Lack of connection begets Lack of connection response to Mother Madness

I think what bothers me most in Erica Jongs article is the vilification of attachment parenting, i just cannot conceive how something with the word attachment in it could be perceived as something negative, unless it was the term, 'negative attachment'! or 'attachment disorder'


I guess she did what she felt was right....i just don't imagine ever being able to 'leave' my kids at such a young age and i don't believe it is healthy either. As her daughter says, she was in a fortunate position, (from her point of view) to be able to provide a baby nanny and a pony and private schools.. personally i would have used the money to *stay* with my kids.

Her daughter also says "I could never have raised kids and made money"  and I totally agree here and here is where I am in the position that Erica Jong wasn't in or chose not to be in, in that we have structured our lives in order for me to be able to stay at home and attach to my kids..i can totally see though why her mother felt she had to work...I sometimes wonder how we have managed it so far!!

I am willing to bet Erica Jong wasn't breastfed for long (if at all)...and the assertion that *her* daughter hated breastfeeding is ridiculous and clearly based on misinformation and lack of breastfeeding advice and support

We all love our children and want what's best for them, and here is the kicker..... "She was a million times better a mother to me than her mother had been to her" and  so and so and so....eventually the cycle will be broken......well thats my plan and it ain't perfect by any means!