Land of Fantasy

A bedtime Song in our house, I'll sing it to you one day 

Chorus:

Have you ever sat and thought 

of the things you cannot see

Of the bright green sky the rich red grass

the glowing yellow sea

Where the animals and people live in peace and harmony

Its our place of rarest beauty 

Its our land of fantasy

Take my hand you are my friend

come and welcome any stranger

Take my hand and I will lead you

where there's no such thing as danger

True belief is all you really need

as you shall surely see

Its our place of rarest beauty 

Its our land of fantasy

Chorus

Imagination flows fast 

like the purple running river

Fun and music

Dance and laughter

and our world goes on forever

Come on in when you are ready

we have given you the key

Its ours place of rarest beauty

Its our land of fantasy

Chorus

How does this Fighting thing work?

Whenever there was fighting in the house, the dog would run and get her bowl, it was as if she was nervous and didn't know what to do with herself and she would run about and eventually grab her bowl and come running back saying 'look its ok,  everybody  can calm down now, I have a bowl, I have a bowl'

There was always fighting in our house.  Shouting, arguing, fighting, hitting...it was all pretty normal and everyday occurrences in our home. We all had our say and we all got it said and got on with our day. We'd shout from one room to the next for attention, we'd shout upstairs and downstairs.  My brother and I fought constantly, he continually bullied and belittled me physically and verbally.  My sister and brother were the same.  My dad shouted a lot at my sister.  My mum shouted a lot at all of us.  We were a loud family who used our voices to be heard and our hands if we weren't.  I don't ever remember my parents intervening but I suspect they were not around a lot of the times it was happening, dad being at work or mum being in bed or in the kitchen.  I don't remember thinking that this wasn't exactly the greatest of environments to be raised in.   

When we got older I was always the mediator in our home between my parents and my sister.  By this time, my brother had become the grouchy teenager so everyone kept out of his way or I'd be randomly hit.  I spent many an hour talking down my mother or sister from their latest battle, an international battle at that, as she was living in a different country.  I still didn't realise that this probably wasn't the best of environments to be raised in.

Fast forward a few decades and here I am with my own family and my own arguments and my own fighting and my own shouting and then getting on with things, feeling better for having got it off my chest.   My husband was constantly amazed at how I could be so shouty and angry one minute and it be all over and done with the next.   It wasn't until he pointed out to me recently that in their family whenever there was fighting or shouting it was a serious occasion and cause for concern that I realised how differently things were done in our house.

Is this how I want it to be for my family?  Do I want it to be a normal day to day occurrence or a serious take note occurrence?  How does it feel for the girls when I am arguing and shouting?  What do they see?

I often tell my girls that 'we don't hit in our house'  If there is a problem we use our words.  I realise my need for no physical bullying obviously stems from my childhood but the shouting and anger and explosion...how come they have stayed?  

I am all too aware of the theories and articles about gentle and conscious parenting so it makes me even more scared of what I can go with shouty anger.  When things get on top of me and I feel that familiar feeling of not being happy with the way things are heading, I can feel the familiar shouty voice coming in and I take great efforts not to go there or I can end up being there too long and then it all gets out of hand and uncontrollable and I just KNOW I need to shut up but for some reason I can't.  All this stuff pours out, all these itty bitty nasty remarks, it all gets out of hand I end up muttering and grumbling in a corner of the kitchen whilst the girls have worked out to stay away coming back every so often to ask if all my anger is out yet.  In my worst possible moments I see it is me who needs to find ways to get my anger out in a non attacking, less directed and shaming way...I have a lot to unlearn and relearn.

Until I have mastered the art of NVC, I think it is important for the girls to know that from anger and shouting can come resolving and working out.  If they see us fighting and shouting, they should also see the calming down and the discussing properly and the working out part, together after.  

I  also now realise that after all that has taken place,  I should make more of an effort to discuss with them what has happened and let them talk about it too.

Its all so much to remember, I need a little Marshall cricket on my shoulder

Tomorrow is ball day

Tomorrow is ball day

Tomorrow is playful day

I keep realising that I am not being as playful as I could be....I am just too damn tired most of the time to remember.  

It's a clever tool and I watched it in action today....but actually it didn't properly work in the end.  I think for me it's really a distraction from the reality of what is going on.  Yes I see you are upset...but hey lets make light of it and turn it into something funny and light..its not that important to you is it?  It works for a moment but then...hey hang on I was upset about something and that wasn't acknowledged, now I am upset and annoyed to boot.  I still admired the imagination and quick thinking to try and distract though....certainly useful in other ways.

The other playful parenting technique which is meant to work really well is turning things into a game like getting dressed....run past me and if I catch you, you have to put these clothes on....I'll chase you for a bit and then you put these clothes on.....I do play this game sometimes where I shout 'come here' in a really loud over the top voice......all very exciting but in the end my two still won't put their clothes on if they don't want to....oh yes mum, we'll play your game...but only with our rules.  The main problem I have with this playful parenting technique is, as I said, I can't be bothered with the faff.  Just put your clothes on or don't I don't care ether way and it doesn't really matter!

Anyway, I decided to be playful mum in a different way and we took a ton of different balls including the big birthing ball, to the park, went to the tennis courts and released them all.  My mother turned up just as Maia was running about screaming loudly, as kids do when excited in a big open place in a park, outside.....she told her to be quiet...then told me to shut up when I suggested that if Maia couldn't shout with joy in the park where could she?  I wonder where I get my not playful side from???

Involved means?

Do I get involved?
I used to get involved, I used to be right in there getting involved and doing what needed to be done and trying to sort things out.
yet I became uninvolved?
I am sure I have tried to become uninvolved before, I can't remember, its been an ongoing feature in my life.


Its just not working, its never going to work and I can't see any way any more of how it could work
I used to think it could work but I wasn't sure how.  
I am still not sure and part of me used to think it could work

now I'm not so sure 

part of me wonders if I should have ever got involved in the first place
then I remember that it is impossible not to

so maybe i shouldn't become uninvolved?
I used to have hope that it could work
Do I get involved?

It's Not Right

I often feel I dont read Ellie as well as I should or could and then in the interest of removing self-guilt I rationalise that she doesn't let me in as much as I would want.  She finds it hard to tell me how she is feeling either this is something to investigate or she doesn't know herself yet, can't put it into words,  is only three and has a lot going on for her.  I'll go for the latter, just because the former takes way too much exploration just now and will probably be due to MY mother-daughter relationship and I don't need to go there just now or at 4am in the morning when I was a teenager and my mother decided was a good time to 'chat' about difficult things. And anyway I am exploring MY daughter-mother relationship.

It's not easy to articulate your feelings but you can let someone know something is not right by your behaviour.

Ok, so what does Ellie do to let me know that things are not right...aside from telling me and 'using her words' which she often does, she often doesn't and does something else instead. 

She starts off trying to connect and let me know something is not right but if I miss these cues, it can escelate into other forms of communication...She screeches, she whinges, she whimpers,  she cries, she screams....or she does them all by which point my brain can only take so much haranguing and shuts down.

Maia can spend her entire trying to get back to sleep without the boob time pitifully saying 'its not right' meaning the blanket is not on properly but I can't help answering her 'no its not right' and marvelling on the  merits of the phrase.

So we have a  multitude of  missed behaviours which can lead to meltdown.  Which can after an either particularly long  meltdown or a series of seemingly 'random' ones ( there is always a reason but sometimes I am just too 'not there' to quite get it) lead to me losing the plot which is basically the point where she can't cope I cant cope no-one can cope and its all out of control.  Scary place to be in for all of us. 

The trick is, to cut it off at the pass...to recognise before it becomes a meltdown.  To be on the ball and open  and ready for everything that comes our way.   To be able to negotiate and confer throughout the day on a manageable level.  This takes communication, skills and tools. Sometimes I have them and I know exactly what's going on and am able to work out exactly what the best thing to do is, sometimes I don't. Sometimes that's the answer because doing nothing, being a passive observer is what's needed. They can work it out for themselves, all be it with some frustration.  The accomplishment is worth the pain.   Sometimes doing very little is what is needed, being an active observer, providing words that are needed, having some frustration but knowing I am on hand to offer support or facilitation eases the anguish.   Sometimes doing a lot is what is needed, being an active participant, getting right in there and doing it because the whole thing is just too overwhelming to possibly endure.

I remember the days when cues were generally about boob, sleep or poop and Barry would say wow, isn't it hard work being a baby....WOW its complicated work being a toddler and  blimey its challenging work being a toddlers mum.

Meltdowns - several

Losing the Plot - one massive one

Breastfeeding - not today thanks

I have a idea

I have a just had a pee revelation, whilst giving Ellie a pee opportunity, I said to her in her mostly asleep but still need-to-pee-sleep phase, the one where she probably doesn't hear me, but the possibility is always there and some of it goes into her psyche "Soon enough, you will be able to pee just before bed and then hold it all night".  Thought I might try and subconsciously plant the  'going to the toilet just before bed' idea  in her head since she is resisting it just now.  Because it wasn't her idea. How manipulative is that!!

Then i thought....hmmm I am sometimes not able to hold it in all night myself...( although two kids could be the reason, that and not keegling).  So then in the interests of less pressure, I said 'or until you are able to go to the toilet yourself' because we all know that going to the toilet in the middle of the night is not an easy task to master straight away..  You have to be steady on your feet, in the dark, you have to know where everything is, in the dark. You have to be able to find the toilet paper, in the dark...all difficult things for a three year old during the day never mind at night...who wants to put the light on at 4 in the morning? You want to feel calm and relaxed and able to go back to sleep, not stressed and upset because you misjudged the bed edge and tripped on a toy brick only to find there is no toilet paper left.  

We've decided that although Ellie is able to pee on the potty, which is on the bed, then go straight back to sleep, that perhaps she isn't ready for the walk to the toilet even with help.  Barry suggested carrying her there...as a starter for full on 'on your own without freaking out and needing someone there' toilet mode.  She'd freak if Barry tried that and there is no way I am carrying her!

Sometimes though I think if I am having this thought, then its for a reason...is it to change things or to realise that the way we are doing it is actually ok and working.?  


Maybe we could try the sleep walk to the toilet walk.......maybe another night!