Maggies

Today, after school, we all went to Maggie's Cancer Caring Centre in the West End.

The other day the girls unexpectedly came home with a ton of money after trawling the neighbours telling them they were collecting for cancer. Once we explained to them that they would be unable to keep any of it, not even a little bit of it, we decided to give it to Maggie's. Barry's mum had used their service in the last few months of her life and they were a wonderful resource. It turns out that they receive no government aid at all and rely solely on fundraising and donations.

I also controversially think the 'finding a cure' research is a big money making pharmaceutical companies dream and do not want to contribute to that. We really need to start focusing on preventative research and looking into environmental factors and foods that cause cancer rather than yet another vaccine with unknown side effects that will line the pockets of corporate bigwigs. Have you heard the term Pinkwashing? Making money off the back of a very serious disease by sticking a pink ribbon on toxic chemical ridden items just makes no sense to me. Much like the centre today offering aspartame laden juice and (as kind as it was) doling out a bag of sugary chocolatey goodies to the girls. The irony was not lost on me.

All that controversy aside, the new Centre is located high up overlooking Glasgow and has been amazingly custom-built with aesthetic and peaceful vibes with many beautifully crafted rooms for rest play and gatherings. There are two lovely dining tables and a kitchen for a homely safe feeling and even the toilets are designed to feel welcoming and more bathroom like rather than functional and cold.

The two staff members, who stayed back especially to greet our girls, were kind and patient and had quite unexpectedly prepared two wee goodie bags, along with certificates, to say thank you. They coped brilliantly with my girls exuberance and enthusiasm for their centre and gave us all a guided tour of their new facility.

It is so important to have a place where people can go for advice, health and benefit and support for day to day living. 'Maggie’s provides emotional, practical and social support to people with cancer and their families and friends'. It's a vital centre and has helped thousands of families since it opened in 2002.

We will certainly be raising money for them in the future.

Messy Play is good...isn't it?

You know that scene in Pulp Fiction, the one with the hosing down of Vincent and Jules, after the accidental shooting in the back of the car?

Well I've had to do this a few times this week.

Yesterday was due to sand play and today the car looked like a duck had exploded (minus the blood and guts).

The hardest thing for me about this kind of play, is the mess. Being ok with it and letting the girls just be. I absolutely hate sand. I hate the beach. I love the sun. The sea. The surf. But not the sand. It gets everywhere and into everything. So as we drove past the pile of sand at the golf course my initial reaction is to say no way. I know this is my issue and it totally spoils their enjoyment and play (which I am always complaining they don't do enough). So I envisioned what would happen if we went home instead, tv and shrieky girly noise and said 'sure, why not!'. The girls had a great time, I stayed in the car with Millie who climbed about and had a great time too. But. They were NOT coming in the house. So I made them strip outside and shake down before running up to a bath! It was a win win situation.

Today, Maia and I played elephants in the park with pampas grass. Some idiots had hacked at the bush and there were bits lying about all over. We used them for a long time and I was more than happy for her to bring them home until I found out what happens when you use them as a pretend duster. I was going to Hoover the car this morning after yesterday's sand play. I'm so glad I didn't otherwise I'd be swearing about having to do it again never mind having to do it when we got home with very little time because we were going out again. The flowers were everywhere. Absolutely everywhere. The plant is also known as woolly-beard grass and it sheds tiny bits of 'wool' or feather like stuff All. Over. The. Place. I refused to let the girls in the house until I'd brushed them down. Poor Millie had no idea why I was vigorously shaking her down with a dustpan brush. It was worse than the sand because it stuck fast, even to their hair. I think I'll be picking bits out the car for weeks.

Imagine this 1000x worse. Everywhere!

At least the car is tidy for a change.

So messy play. Yes it's fun. Yes it's educational. Yes it helps their development. But sometimes I have to just say NO, no way. Not again.

Meltdowns - none

Losing the Plot - slight exploding duck kind

Breastfeeding - masses. Lots of teeth

Mentions of Menstruation

It's been a busy weekend, the kind where I have been a hormonally mega crazy woman from hell with a big bloaty tummy and a grumpface. I got my period.  Every time the girls see my mooncup or its contents, they ask if I am having a baby.

In ye olden times in the caves and such, women who were menstruating took time out of their lives and rested and reflected and chilled.  Menstruation was a sacred time.  A relaxing time. A time to listen to your body and follow the ebb and flow of emotions and feelings.

The chances of this happening round here are fairly slim but as its the weekend, I get to lie in a bit longer which is blissful if not a little noisy on Sunday from the girls running around shrieking. All.  The. Time. uber excited that its Mothers Day and checking if I have woken up yet.

Ellie slept at grandmas on Friday night so Saturday morning was quiet and peaceful, mainly because I gave Maia my phone with YouTube and sent her back to her bedroom!! Somehow the day just frittered away in a mass of nothingness and unproductiveness.  Hubby took up the slack on dishes duty and we muddled through rather effectively...until.....Saturday night's bedtime fun.  Its a new game, its been played once before.  I was feeling too bleugh to remember details from last time except that they really enjoyed it.  This time too, I couldn't help but revel in their joy of this game.....until....I remembered.  It involves pretty much ALL their clothes.  Which of course, end up ALL over the floor.

Sunday morning rolls around.  The 'quiet' lie in happens.  The girls hand out their cards and eat my toblerone gift and then they decide to do a jumble sale of their toys. So, ALL their toys are brought out to inspect and decide if they are being sold.  So now, the upstairs is covered in ALL their clothes, the downstairs is covered in ALL their toys and the kitchen is covered in ALL our dishes.  Happy Mother's Day indeed.

The whole of Sunday was spent restoring the house.  The girls trawl the neighbours with their jumble in a basket and come back with a ton of money and a full basket.  It turns out that after no success selling her wares, Ellie decides to collect for charity instead and tells people she is collecting for cancer!! I'm slightly shocked and amazed at her ingenuity.  She realises she cant keep the money and takes the news very well!!

We attend a family party in the evening which was really lovely, but by now, after Tidying Sunday (not Mothering Sunday), I am knackered and in pain in my back and front and just curl up on the sofa and scowl.  

I'm such a joy to be around!

Meltdowns - none

Losing the Plot - just a wee one honest guv!

Breastfeeding - feels so different at this time of the month.  How amazingly weird are hormones??

If mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy

We all have to live together. Lets just get on. Otherwise our days are filled with frustration, anger, stress and unhappiness. Just agree with what I say, think and do without question. Life will be great then. (For me).

 I do all the work round here.

If mama ain't happy, ain't no-one happy.

Only, I don't do ALL the work around here and compliance ain't that fun. And it creates unhappy people.

So.......we all have to live together. Lets just get on? Lets stop blaming. Lets stop hitting. Lets stop biting. Lets stop grabbing. Lets stop belittling. Lets stop name-calling. Lets stop forcing. Lets stop threatening. Lets stop bribing. Lets stop smacking. Lets stop shaming. Lets stop shouting. Lets stop nagging.

Lets stop.

Lets breathe.

Lets listen.

Lets talk about how we are feeling. Lets tell each other why we are feeling that way. If we don't know, let's just realise there is always a reason. It might be nothing to do with the other person. It might be related to something completely different. Its not always personal (unless it is, then lets talk about that too!) and, it's ok to show emotions. It's ok to feel anger, It's ok to feel frustrated. It's ok to feel sad. It's ok to feel disappointed. It's ok to feel everything. It's what we do with those feelings and how we direct them and how we deal with them that matters.

I'm trying...I really really am

The important thing is being happy

.

_________________________________________________________________________________

After writing this I googled (damn you time sucking venomous devil) the phrase and below are most of the sites I read (there are tons, its a popular phrase.  The one that made me laugh the most was this one). FYI, I don't agree with everything that I read tonight and listed here. 

I do find it quite incredible that the top result was from the Unschooling site.  It has been influential (on and off, I seem unable to completely.....let go) in my parenting journey from the beginning.  

If mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy - Sandra Dodd - Unschooling

If mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy - Paul Elam - A Voice for Men

If mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy - Kristen - Motherease

If mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy - Dr Marlo Archer - Down to Earth

If mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy - Jen C - Most Illustrious Mother

If mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy - Ann Douglas - Canadian Living Moms 

If mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy - Heidi Shultz - Fratically Simple

Nature Soup

I've picked the wettest coldest miserablest day EVER to finally make the effort and go to Nurture in Nature. I can't quite believe it. It's either a sign or a fucking joke. It's weird because my first ever NIN over 4yrs ago was the same park in pouring rain.

My enthusiasm for the day is already wearing very thin by the time we finally get in the car for school, Ellie is wailing because she wants to come, Riley is full blown whining at the excitement of walkies and the car has disconnected from its battery for the third time.

I was proper almost organised and cooked a rice dish last night. Didn't manage to sort anything else and Maia takes one look at it and refuses. Oh well she'll be hungry.

It's been over 9months since I was last at NIN (with a few times in between) . For those who don't know, I used to be a proper die hard NIN'er. For years, we would be out twice a week, all weathers, all places. Totally up for it, totally into it. We even had the girls birthday parties outside in nature. Then I got tired.

NIN doesn't start till 10am but most people don't arrive till later (having kids 'n' all!!), but as we've dropped Ellie off at 9am we make our way there. It's a gamble because Maia could become cold and bored after a short time want to leave (it's happened many times in the past) then I'd miss everyone. We bump into an old NIN friend leaving the allotment...with her 4mnth old. Wow it has been a while!!

Manage to muster energy to engage with Maia and throw the ball for Riley, for an hour at the freezing cold windy flagpole. I guess that's the reason the pole is posted there!!

Find your tree

At last people start to arrive and we head straight for the woods for a game of 'find your tree' and the ubiquitous tree climbing.

.

11am - I'm flagging. Millie's asleep on my back. Maia's having an absolute ball, she's found a fishing net which we attached to a stick and she's at the pond. Riley's still going strong too!

12.30pm - persuade Maia to make her way back up towards the flagpole ( car.) I'm beginning to regret not bringing a pram. I really didn't think we'd be out this long!

1pm - amazing what kids will eat when hungry. Rice gone!

2pm - Still here. I'm kinda done but Maia is SO happy making spaghetti soup in a tree nook that I don't have the heart to make her leave. Previously at NIN I used to have a real problem when the group would move on and my kids didn't. I'd feel compelled to keep up and cajole them along and start to become quite stressed that everyone was ahead chatting an socialising whilst their kids played nearby whilst mine were lagging behind and I was alone. Today though I decided to be ok with it. Stayed where I was. I am so glad I did. Millie came down off my back and totally immersed herself in her surroundings, Maia and I connected brilliantly over natures soup.

I was on a roll. We finished at the park just in time to pick up Ellie from school....except....bugger......she has after school club!!! Had to go home, change Millie, feed her and go back out again. Urgh!

All in all it was a brilliant day. I'm so glad I made the effort and forced myself to go. I'd texted with my cousin about it in the morning and I'm so glad she persuaded me to go. I've lost myself in caring for three littlies and keeping the house going that I'd forgotten how to get my act together to go out and about. I'd lost confidence in my ability to cope with anything but the mundane. Today showed me that I *can* do it.

Thank G-d it's nearly the weekend though, I'm totally knackeroonied and mega-cranky tonight!!

Meltdowns - not in nature!

Losing the plot - just with the bloody car

Breastfeeding - in nature!! It feeds my soul!

Shit day

I hate bully's. I detest bully's. They make me really angry, now. I was bullied a lot growing up. First by my brother, then at school. I was weak. I took it. I didn't have the courage, confidence or the words to stand up for myself. So, when I hear or see my kids being bullied it really makes me see red.

The girls are at the play park for 5mins before we go home. It's in an undesirable location and I'm waiting right beside it, in the car for them, with Millie. Ellie comes over to say one of her shoes is missing. I send her back to search but to no avail. I join her to look and ask the kids there if they have seen it. They all say they haven't seen it and even half heartedly join in the search. I'm becoming more and more stressed and can feel myself about to explode How can a shoe just disappear??? Then I realise. It must be in the bin. I carefully pull the bag up to look and don't see it. I search some more and notice the play park is a complete dump. These people just don't care about where they live. They don't give a crap about their children playing in such a mess. That's when I stop caring. I grab the bin bag and yank it out spilling its contents into an already dump of a play park and find the shoe. I make sure my kids are in the car and shout "you are nasty little bastards" and storm off.

I was very angry but I do feel guilty for shouting that at them. Thinking about it though, it's probably nothing their own parents haven't said to them. And that's the sad part. These bully kids are most likely bullied and treated badly at home. It's all they know. It's normal for them.

Today hasn't been a calm feeling day for me. Maybe the Pot pills have stopped working. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe its the mid week slump but whatever it was, I ran out of patience after Maia dropped Millie on the floor, split open her lip and nose causing blood to gush everywhere. We were at a toddler group. I'd thought I might be able to converse with real adults but Maia was having none of it. I think she's coming down with something so is extra needy at the moment. I read a few dozen books and played her annoying robber game but she was still in my face needing more more more. I was losing it. Then the gushing blood incident happened. Yes it was probably an accident but her lack of remorse pissed me off royally. Then she started nagging me to leave and that was it. I gave her a full on lecture about how I would leave when I was ready and she was not in control of me AND I was upset that she had shown no upset about what happened to Millie. Then once home she refused to help with the dishwasher so I refused to let her watch tv and then she refused the lunch I'd made her so I refused to make anything else and basically said she had to make her own. Which she did! ( with a bit of help from me). The fact is I was feeling taken advantage of. It's a common feeling. Today I rebelled. Maia was very upset. I was not moved. I hate days like these.

I know it was not the best way to react just like shouting at the bully kids in the park wasn't either. Sometimes I revert to saying and doing things I shouldn't. I can hear myself and I know it's wrong, know its upsetting and harmful but I can't stop myself.

Maybe I'm a bully?