Diary of an unconscious mother: hospital

** Warning...upsetting content but no pictures **

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On Sunday 3rd September in the morning, I saw blood when I wiped, I had a look with a mirror and thought it was maybe from a cut. The blood was dark and I didn't feel unwell, I had a look on few forums and most threads were along lines of this happened to me and all was ok. I remembered a number of my friends had bled all the way through their pregnancies.

Sunday evening after work had cramp/ache in what felt like back leg top of bum area at the end of work but had no other pains or cramps in my stomach, had had an hours rest at mums in middle of shift.

Sunday night had proper look with torch to see if cut was bleeding. It wasnt. I spoke to some friends and a few midwife friends in the evening, who mostly said try not to worry, take it easy, get it checked soon.

Monday morning more blood fresh. I made an appointment to see someone but still not feeling any major urgency as was just spotting with no cramp or pain or anything.

During day on Monday I did feel a slight wierd sharp sensation in cervix every so often, through the day and put it down to me having had a look in there the night before and having used my finger to check how high the blood was.

Around midday, I went for a dog walk with friend and had wanted to tell her that I was bleeding a bit but had Maia with us and didn't want her to worry. Few hours later, after lying on sofa watching film with Maia, I picked up kids from grandma's and took Millie to Rainbows. I spoke to my SIL and had all but decided what will be will be. I came home with older two, did a few light chores then started bedtime around 8.30pm.

Whilst lying with Ellie, I felt what I thought was maybe drop of blood coming out, so went to the bathroom and did a pee. No blood. Didn't realise it was waters leaking.

At around 9pm after I had come back up to lie with Ellie, I almost straight away felt even more of a gush, stood up then felt my waters break. Half panicked but trying not to in front of kids, I said Barry's name and rushed downstairs sat on toilet, about a cup of blood fell out.

Just as I was stepping over to the bath, I put my hand under for some more stuff coming and Neshama was born into my hand. (Barry later told me I said in an anguished cry 'Its my baby', I don't remember this)

I remember thinking I don't want this to be a scary panicky moment, there is nothing to be done just let it be done. So I tried to remain as calm as possible. I also didn't want to freak Barry out who was already wanting me to go to hospital. I knew he was coming from a place of love and fear and worry so I made a conscious choice not to allow that to panic me as well. I knew I was not hemorrhaging, I was in hardly any pain from cramping and it was all just quietly happening in front of me.

I half sat laid back on a towel in the bath holding her still attached to the placenta and I waited and waited until I was able to move and she wasn't attached to me. I sent Barry upstairs a few times to check Ellie was asleep as we had had to leave her. I then sent him to get candles and he turned off the light. We occasionally hugged in awkward positions and talked about what to do. I talked to a midwife friend who said if I went in to hospital they would most likely just keep me in overnight and not do any checks until morning now anyway. I envisaged an ambulance coming to the house, possibly waking the girls. I thought about the bumpy noisy ride to the hospital. I thought about the bright lights and intrusive atmosphere and I said out loud, I don't want them to take my baby. We decided to stay at home. I concentrated on holding my tiny wee baby safe.

After some time I felt some of the umbilical cord slightly rip like a thread breaking, then the rest broke off and I was able to move her. We placed her in a small box. We then waited again until I thought most of the placenta was out. (turned out to be just clots, I thought it was pieces of placenta). I was in an empty bath for about an hour before the bleeding slowed down enough for me to get out. Also I was becoming too uncomfortable and getting a sore coccyx.

I then lay in bed and for the next 4 hours and I would get up every 15-20mins to allow more blood and clots to come out. I had the portable toilet beside the bed, with wipes and toilet paper and mats on the bed. I was kind of on automatic pilot by now and rested between. Barry would occasionally get up and empty the toilet and he also rested beside me. There was very little pain which I am so thankful for. I was just trying to focus on expelling everything so nothing would be retained incase I became unwell and I basically tried not to focus on the reality of it all.

At 1am I unexpectedly birthed her placenta and that's when I realised the other stuff had just been clots. My sister was on messenger with me and explained that clots are gelatinous mass that break apart easily on touch and the placenta would feel solid. It gave me a bit of a shock because it was so many hours after. I felt relieved so much had come out as it was becoming more and more unlikely to be retained (stuck inside me) which can be serious. I suddenly really felt I wanted to make a print because that's what I had done for my other babies. Barry went and found me some paper and I made a print. It was really small and looked like a mouse. I felt better that Neshama also had a print.

After that we fell asleep until morning. Barry took the girls to school whilst I slept some more and then we went to the hospital to be checked over where she said everything looked ok, as in mostly all out, and to keep an eye for clots and fever. They were very respectful and made no awful comments or upset us at all. (I have heard some awful stories) When we said we didn't want her to take Neshama or her placenta out of the room to check, she understood and stayed in the room.

The next day we buried her in our local cemetery. A few family and friends came. That was comforting.

She lived and she was born. She was loved and very wanted from the start.

(I had not even thought yet about writing a birth story for this birth. It was only when I saw Barry typing something quite fast and I asked him and he said stuff and when I pressed him and he said 'Neshama's birth story, I suppose it is' I thought, of course..she deserves a birth story too)

I awoke at 12.27am with a strange pop feeling and the moment I had been waiting weeks for and expecting to happen every time I got out of bed had arrived, my waters were breaking! I was 39weeks of what had been a really hard and emotionally fraught pregnancy

I woke up Barry to let him know and took myself to the bathroom. I called my sister to let her know whilst Barry looked for the instructions from the midwife of 'when to call'. The sheet said to call if my waters broke first and they were anything but clear.

My heart sank.

meconium in waters

My waters were anything but clear.

Alison, my midwife arrived at 1.10am. I was upstairs having a shower and willing my waters to turn clear. She looked at the waters I had collected and saw that they were murky and had particles in them. She confirmed what I already knew, that there was meconium in them. She suggested that we would probably need to go into hospital but she would monitor me at regulalr intervals at home for the time being.

I started to organise my birthing space, making the bed a bit more and sorting my music and setting up the web cam! I was excited to show my birth live to my sister and some friends. I thought I had plenty of time since my last two births lasted 12-14hours. I didn't even think about filling the pool yet which had been up and ready for the last 3weeks!

I agreed to a VE at 2.30am.which showed I was only 1-2cm dilated, fully effaced but head not in pelvis. I am not in established labour yet. My blood pressure was perfect but Alison noted the baby's heartrate was higher than it usually was and showed shallow late decelarations which was a possible sign of distress. She was clear she thought hospital was the best option since meconium at 39 weeks without labour is not normal. She started calling the hospital to let them know what was happening. I chatted to my friends on line and my sister on the phone.

My contractions were ramping up and I was not in any way feeling relaxed and joyful or wonderful or blooming or any of the ways I had been imagining and visualsing my labour to be. I felt anxious, the atmosphere was one of worry and fear and I basically felt really really upset that I was not going to have my home birth again. I felt seriously cheated. Alison wanted me to go into hospital and I was kind of hoping for some kind of miracle whereby my baby would decide to be even faster and just suddenly pop out. I decided to try to remain as calm as possible. The web cam started working about 3am but by half past I had resigned myself to going in and called my mum.

Practicing birth noises and faces by pushing the sofa
so girls would understand what was happening
when the time came

Around this time, Ellie (my calmness teacher), woke up and came downstairs to see what was going on, she sat with me on the sofa and so I got to spend some time with her before I left. I explained that I was having the baby now and that I was going to have to go into hospital now and everything was ok and that Grandma was coming over and they'd all fall back to sleep and that I would be home as soon as possible. She wanted me to come upstairs to lie with her in bed and I remember having a massive contraction on the stairs on the way up and having to stop for a while there. "Half way down the stairs is a stair where I sit, there isn't any other stair quite like it"!.

My mother arrived at 4am whilst I was lying with the girls who had both woken up. I was explaining to them what was happening. We had been preparing for my labour and birth since the beginning and I was so disappointed they would now not be there.

15mins later and I couldn't hold off any longer, it was time to go. Alison wanted to call an ambulance to take us in but I refused. The ride for my last birth was truly awful and there was NO way I was putting myself through that again, so Barry drove. It was marginally better than the ambulance, in that I didn't have to stay lying down!! I sat in the back on my knees leaning over the back seat looking out the rear window swearing randomly at the CD I chose for the journey. Why? Why did I think that one would help? I listened to this one daily in the car. Mainly on the way to school, with the girls talking/arguing/shouting/crying/laughing/ and the dog crying whining in my already addled pregnant brain.......I was secretly hoping it would infiltrate into my brain subconsciously...you know multi tasking. Who know's maybe it worked!

"As my labour advances I go deeper into relaxation" Birth Affirmations that I was supposed to repeat.

Whatever my response, which was along the lines of "As my labour advances you can all go to fuckland", I remember Alison asking if I was talking to her. I also remember cursing the speed bumps...hadn't thought about them either.

As we hurtled down the road at 70mph, going through every red light, I was desperately trying not to push and deliver in the back seat. My contractions were now 4 minutes apart and very strong! My midwife will swear blind she didn't think I was going to give birth in the back of the car but something in the way she shouted 'Are you pushing there Miriam?' made me think otherwise!

We arrived at the hospital 6miles away in a record 12mins, at 4.25am. I vaguely remember having a really strong contraction at the front desk and a bloke behind the glass asked 'Can I help you?'. I resisted the urge to let loose on him. Of course the first thing they wanted to do was attach electrodes to my baby's head. What she actually meant was screw a wire into my baby's head. I declined. They insisted on putting a monitoring belt on me though. All the while I am having major contractions and trying not to push. The midwives could see I was uncomfortable and having difficulty moving so they asked if I wanted to go on the floor. Definitely I said. A few minutes later and they were back with a massive mattress and a bean bag. Perfect.

Once on the floor, the midwife wanted to do a VE. I agreed because I was worried I was pushing too early. She reckoned I was 8cm but was unable to feel the head as it was too high. I told her (maybe loudly!) to stop trying and wouldn't let her do it again. I felt despondent. I thought that meant the baby hadn't come down and it would be a long time pushing. I decided to get on all fours with bum in air, a complicated move with lots of wires attached to me but I managed.

This is when things started to get crazy. Every time I had a contraction, I felt the urge to push. Every time I pushed, a bit of poop came out. I was really upset by this and kind of freaked out. Thinking about it afterwards, I realise I was scared the same thing was happening here as with Maia. She had got stuck, kept going back in and then stayed on my perineum for 10mins whilst I pushed my insides out (literally). This really did a number on my back passage. So this time, I thought I shouldn't be pushing, it was too early and I would do damage again. Also poop, eeuw, that grossed me out I know it shouldn't. But it did. I wish now that someone behind me would have tried to calm me down more, told me it was ok, told me not to worry about pushing or pooping!! Told me to just do what I needed to do.

Suddenly I felt a massive bulge, the head was almost out and then some tickling. I kept asking who was touching me, then I thought maybe her fingers were tickling me inside. One more push and her head came out. Then she started moving herself out. I again thought the midwives were doing something but they assured me she was doing it, which was so amazingly weird to realise. With Maia we were at the half in half out stage for a long time and they were 'encouraging' me to push, this time I now realise, it all happened as it was meant to. Looking at the video though, I am annoyed at how 'handsy' the midwife was. A few minutes later and woosh................!!

At 5.17am, an hour after arriving at the hospital, 5hrs after labour started, Little Red weighing 7lbs14oz, came into the world.

It turned out that one of the midwives was a member of the ARM, so she was all on board with our third stage management plan and was really excited to be at a natural labour. The staff were really supportive and I'm happy I could provide that kind of birth for her but it still sucked to be in hospital instead of in my pool at home with my girls.

Of course the fun didn't end there. The cord was really short, hence meconium, she must have pulled too hard on the cord coming down and pooped herself, poor baby. It meant that I was unable to turn over easily for her to be put on my tummy. I had to do some kind of gymnastic movement to hoik myself over whilst they passed Little Red through my legs at the same time. I was quite disorientated from the fast birth and wasn't sure what to do with myself! A midwife and Barry held Little Red close to my chest, skin to skin, to keep her calm till we worked out where and how I could lie down so she was finally able to reach my chest.

Daddy Barry cutting cord

Once the cord stopped pulsing, Barry cut it and I moved to the bed to feed Little Red and deliver her placenta. It was so great, not to have to explain ourselves and our placental needs. The midwife understood our placenta plans completely and even helped do a few prints for us before putting it in their fridge to stay fresh for encapsulation.