Nursery or behave!

I've just remembered that during the meeting with school nurse and acting head, they kept offering Maia the opportunity to go next door and play in the nursery. I'd already asked her before we went in if she wanted to go to the nursery whilst I was in the meeting and I'd pick her up after. So I already knew she didn't want to go. She kept saying no to them. To each thing they suggested or offered throughout the meeting as a way to entice her into nursery she stood up for herself and said no. There were possibly about four maybe five different things (maybe more, it was  said in a lot of different ways)

They are playing party games - They are singing - Ooooooo doesn't it sound fun - don't you want to go?  La la la la la la la what else can we say to make you go away ♪♫ ♪♫

I'm ashamed to realise now that even I got caught up in the whole thing and when she started doing her I'm hungry I'm hungry I'm hungry repetition game she SO loves to do I suggested she could go get a snack at the nursery.  So thats when they were impressed when I said to Maia 'you can either sit here quietly or you can go through to the nursery'

I can't believe I used nursery as a threat and punishment (since we all knew quite clearly that she didn't want to go) and that was ok!!!

There is something ironic or funny about it. I think. Somewhere in there. There must be. Otherwise it's just sad. Almost as sad as Ellie's introduction to nursery

Meltdown - none its the weekend

Losing the Plot - none its the weekend

Breastfeeding - all weekend!

Because That's What Mum Does

When I am feeling sadistic and narcissistic and I want to know the truth..about me...I think about an interaction with my children that did not go according to plan..the plan being minimal emotional and physical pain for all involved ie all get along

I face the truth about me everyday when I interact with my children.  

Tonight Ellie said 'thats what mum does' in response to Barry saying 'i think she has gone outside' after Maia was becoming upset and asking where i had gone after I got up out of bed and went downstairs without saying anything.  Although thinking about it after, I felt I was saying plenty.  Maybe no-one was listening? Maybe they were listening too well.

I had been lying prostrate on the bed with Ellie on one arm and Maia on the other (our usual method for the final sleeping part, after the story poart, the talking part, the questions about our day part and the milk part, but tonight it was too painful) and I had tried to move my position saying that it was hurting me and I did not want to do it anymore.  Maia literally grabbed my arm and would not let go obviously believing she had that strength (if she had been a monkey she would have...but we evolved supposedly: and if I'd been a monkey I probably wouldn't have chronic pain and I'd live off bananas and leaves and live in trees in a hot climate...sounds idyllic...anyway i digress)...she was holding tight. Ellie became upset that I would not lie in this position but I persevered and changed position.  She began kicking me and pushing me away saying i don't want you here, meaning her space, because I moved into a more comfortable position that meant her legs touched me ...i responded several times with 'ow thats really sore, stop that' or words to that (in)effect(ual).  When, eventually, I felt that nothing I was saying or doing was working, I got up and walked out.

When Barry told me what Ellie had said 'That's what mum does' I responded with 'yes that's what mum does when she is lying in pain and is not happy with the situation and feels nothing is working she walks away in case she becomes default shouty mummy'

In recounting this story I realise now that to my children it looked like yes I was saying plenty but not effectively and the time when I should have said something I, in effect 'walked out' which I believe they see as a form of love withdrawal.  

If I get to that 'walking out' stage, which is less than I used to thankfully.  (I recognize it as the flounce, a common family trait), I work harder to communicate first and if I still feel helpless its not working, I make a special effort to  leave with a breezy comment about needing to do something houseworky, there is always something houseworky needs doing because I don't spent my entire days doing housework, not anymore.  It gives me time to breathe and re-asses my words.  

Maia dealt with it all by being upset and eventually coming downstairs then falling asleep on me.  Ellie dealt with it by being upset but staying upstairs with Barry and falling asleep (she may have been too tired to come down)...later when Barry took her for her night time pee, she refused to get back into bed and sat screeching in a sleepy state at the top of the bed and would not go back to sleep.  I came up saying what's going on to which Barry replied I have no idea.  She did not know whether to push me away or cuddle me and she did not calm down until she folded herself into me (if I had touched her first she would have screeched more) and I whispered in her ear 'its ok, I love you Ellie' over and over .


She finally relaxed into a lying down (on my arm incidentally) position and fell asleep.


Now could the initial incident have been avoided? Possibly not.  Maybe I could have let them know i was uncomfortable..oh wait i did..ok maybe I could also have acknowledged their need for me to be in that position and that yes I know you are very upset but I am just cannot continue being in pain.  Maybe in that moment words were pointless or maybe a simple 'I love you very much but my arms hurt I need to move' might have worked.


I don't know but if you asked me what I would say if I did know, I would probably tell you 'I could have handled it better and I am glad I got another chance' because 'thats what my kids do' - give me another chance to handle it better.

Meltdowns - sleepily
Losing the Plot - silently
Breastfeeding - in a restaurant no less (yes we went out for cheapy dinner, no less! and there were fireworks involved)

Does it make a Difference?

It does not matter how many times you ask...and it doesn't make a difference if you say in a really loud voice 'that's dangerous', Ellie and Maia will not sit down on a bus.  You could spend the whole journey trying and getting more and more frustrated and upset.  You could say we are not going on a bus again unless you sit down.  There are lots of ways to force them to stay sitting on the bus.  I prefer to just let them be.  They know to hold tight. 

It does not matter how many times you ask...and it doesn't make a difference if you are wearing a uniform with a badge, Ellie will not put her shoes back on.  You could follow her round the whole of a museum trying and getting nowhere.  You could say to her we are not going in the museum unless you put your shoes on.  There are lots of ways you could force her to keep her shoes on.  I prefer to just let her be. If she wants to be barefoot, its her choice.

It does not matter how many times you ask....and it doesn't make a difference if you have finished, Maia will not move on until she is ready.  You could spend the whole time herding her from one place to the next or picking her up and taking her away from her exploring.  You could say we are not going out again unless you keep up.  There are lots of ways to force her to hurry up.  I prefer to just let her be. She comes when she is ready.

If it doesn't make a difference  and I can, then I let them be.  It's their choice