stop the guilt repair the connection

Maia has a hard time imagining that she could ever get back to sleep without the boob, sometimes so do I, she tries and tries and tries, sometimes so do I, she decides she really can't do it, the problem is sometimes so do I.  So starts night weaning, later than some mamas, earlier than my 'inspirational mama's.  The ones who completely extendedly full accessedly on demandedly breastfeededly until child wants to end itedly.  Because I know in my heart and in my instincts this is what she needs and wants.  Its just not what I can give.  I managed later with Maia than I did with Ellie and I still have some residual guilt and possible connection problems for that. I blame early natural weaning and having another baby and having her daddy go back to work and her nana die suddenly...I guess they all contribute.....stop the guilt repair the connection.....stop the guilt repair the connection....stop the guilt repair the connection....anyway...

I notice a difference with Maia than I did with Ellie and I don't know if it's because I night weaned too early or if its just a  temperament thing.   If I am removing breastfeeding I need to provide an alternative.  With Ellie I told her a story about farm animals sleeping next to mummy and being comforted in different ways.  I played with her hair, she hates her hair being touched now.  I rubbed her back, she hates her back being rubbed now.    The only thing that's lasted is eskimo and butterfly kisses, got them from my dad.

Ellie accepts very little form of physical touch and comfort from anyone.  It took her over a year to allow people she had met twice a week to touch her to say help her off a high wall or tree or bus or just hold a hand and it's only now she won't have a full on screaming meltdown from a stranger trying to help her off and on a bus, if my hands are full.    Sometimes she now holds hands with a stranger (that freaked me out slightly, but I know she wouldn't do it if she didn't have my hand too) if we are grouped together, like waiting to leave a room. Maybe she gets confused about who we all know and who we don't, although she knows way more people than me since she asks EVERYONE she meets 'what's your name?'

In hindsight I wonder if my story involved too much touch from me and not enough boob. Nowadays she goes back to sleep only if she can lie on my arm...probably to make sure I don't touch her.  I sneak in a sneaky stroke of the cheek once I know she is fully asleep,  she is so soft and snuggly looking.

With Maia, she likes me to play with her belly button, I tell her how we used to be connected there.  I nibble and kiss her ears, she asks me to bite them.  She is fulfilling that 'oo i could eat you feeling'.. I love it! I get feedback, she asks me to do these things, she asks me not to.....sometimes it takes longer than I would like for her to fall asleep and usually on those nights,  it takes for ever because she knows I am going to leave the room as I have the 'wrong' bed energy head on.

Yet still when she is finally asleep and I sneak downstairs, I think...is it too soon?

Rude Awakening

I was woken by Ellie today in a way I have never experienced, and never hope to experience ever again. It was horrific.  Not a brilliant start to our day, I have to say.  She basically ambushed me so severely I had no idea what on earth was going on.  I was at a really interesting point in my dream and when I woke up I literally could not orientated myself meanwhile Ellie was flailing and grabbing at me for milk and screaming in my ear.  It has been at least 3months if not more (I can't remember) since I tried to have Ellie at 3milks a day, but she is a strong minded lassie and will not give it up.  And she seems to be accepting it less and less....its not getting easier, she is just not relinquishing the almighty Boob. I must be doing something wrong...or maybe she is that innately programmed to require want need milk that she is not going to give up without a fight?

I have a very ambiguous relationship with breastfeeding.  I completely and utterly believe in breastmilk and breastfeeding as a concept, but sometimes its  hard.  Hard to do it as much as they would want.  I am just not *that* giving it would seem. Serves me right for having two so close together I guess.  Although my breastfeeding relationship with Ellie was always a struggle right from the start.  Much like our relationship in general.

Anyway back to our day.  The wake up could have completely thrown me off course for the whole day, but I worked really hard at not allowing that to happen.  Mainly by going back to bed after breakfast for half an hour and letting Barry get them ready to go out.  Who know's how the day would have gone if he had not been there.  I shudder to think.  I was still feeling not quite right though.  Lets just proceed as if this is going really well as Christopher Walken says.

Barry in his infinite wisdom decided going to the Barras was a good idea...me in my infinite wisdom agreed.  Yes a family outing, that's what we need.  To a Glasgow Market in the East End of Glasgow...where I breastfed on a crate at the butchers stall and had a fight with the woman at the jewellery stand..look if you don't want people to look at your jewellery close up, don't put a handle on the display where my 3yr old can reach it..or better still just don't sell shiny stuff.  We navigated our way  back to the car in record time, and with minimal  upsets although I did have to stand by the stall with the man selling batteries, rizlas and razors for a considerable amount of time because Maia was adamant she wanted to explore the batteries.  I could tell she was desperate to open and shove them in her mouth but I managed to quench her exploration otherways and Barry enticed her elsewhere with promises of bigger and far more interesting things than batteries....did she find them?...who knows because at that point, Ellie decided she needed to pee and I decided peeing on a Glasgow street in the East End wasn't called for right at that moment, and I dashed through the market out the other end to a patch of grass.

Maybe the Gypsy woman who said we were lucky was right?  

Unfortunately some of our MummyEllie day was cancelled but we managed to stay pretty well connected right up until Flooby hour approached and I chickened out again realised I should get backup and found Barry & Maia in the park.  Can't beat a good swing to sort out the Floobies.  That and Barry taking them home on the train and me getting ANOTHER half an hour alone whilst I drove home. 

The rest of the evening went without drama, except for a slight indiscretion on my part involving a swear word and an adjective but there were scissors involved.

Bed time is a whole nother story all together

meltdowns - 1 horrific morning one

losing plot- staid in comparison

breastfeeding - on the butchers stall